


Growing Pains

by mystery_deer



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Character Study, Family Feels, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, pov martin cozner, raymond doesn't come in until the end so, this is mainly about kevin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 07:20:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20560397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystery_deer/pseuds/mystery_deer
Summary: Martin Cozner reflects on his relationship with his brother vis a vis Kevin's homosexuality.





	1. Morning

Martin had known that his brother was different since they were young. He was temperamental and tidy, would storm in and out the house leaving nothing in his path but rigorous neatness. The smell of disinfectant.

They weren’t very close.

Martin was certainly not the most typical of children but he got along with people, smiled easily, and had a light heart. There was nothing airy or approachable in Kevin, he was either standoffish or trying too hard and neither of those moods appealed to anyone but their parents.

One day when said parents were away (he couldn’t remember the reason anymore) he had gone out late to hang out with friends. Coming home he remembered thinking that Kevin must have done the same, the lights were out and he couldn’t hear anything but the sound of his own movement.

Until he got upstairs.

Though it was still pitch black he could hear that Kevin was in his room. His bed creaked slowly and there was a soft voice coming from behind the door.  
Being the younger sibling, he felt the overwhelming urge to investigate this and so he did. Creeping slowly closer and avoiding the spots on the hardwood that gave away your position. 

Still silently he opened the door a crack and then knelt down, continuing to open it from the bottom just enough to see into the room. It was dark but the light from the window was enough to illuminate two figures on the bed.

Martin grinned, covering his mouth. He hoped it was that Lena girl from down the street, his mom hated her and warned them both repeatedly not to hang around her. It would be perfect blackmail material, get him out of chores for at least a month.

However when the other person spoke he realized that it was not Lena.  
It was not even a girl.

“Do you want to do it again?”  
“No- Yes. I don’t know.”   
“Oh, was it bad?”  
“I don’t know, I’ve never kissed an-”

At that moment as if sensing a presence, Kevin’s head shot around towards the door and Martin ran, abandoning any stealth in order to take off down the hall and fly into his own room. He barely shut the door when it burst open again and he was grabbed, tackled to the ground with a hard thump. He cried out in pain and Kevin yanked him so he was sitting up. Kevin’s hands were digging into the material of Martin’s shirt and Martin’s hands were wrapped around Kevin’s wrists, trying to escape his hold. 

A car drove down the street and the yellow light illuminated his brother’s face for an instant, it was contorted in anger and fear. When he spoke his voice trembled.

“What did you see?”  
“Nothing! Let me go!”  
“What did you see Martin!?”  
“You’re hurting me dumbass let me go!”

They both heard footsteps rush from Kevin’s room down the stairs and then the back door slam. 

“You can’t tell Mom okay?” Kevin said, first in a whisper and then louder, practically shouting the words. “You can’t tell her!”

“I won’t!” Martin shouted back, twisting Kevin’s wrist enough for him to loosen his grip and be pushed away. They were both on the floor now, sitting half-up and glaring. Their breathing harsh and hearts beating too fast. Another car drove by and the shadows on the walls judged the scene. “I won’t.” He repeated, softer now, a promise. 

Kevin stood and took a moment to look down at his brother before backing away, waiting for the wall to stop him. “You better not.” He said, opening the door and slipping back out into the hallway.

Martin let himself lay back down. He had a headache but other than that he was fine. He felt tears prick his eyes, it hurt. A dull, throbbing pain. His mind raced, confused and frightened. What had he seen? What had he seen?

He wouldn’t tell mom, he didn’t want to. There was something in Kevin’s eyes, something wild and trapped and it made his heart ache for him. They both knew that it was something wrong, that it was a moment that had been caught rather than witnessed. 

When he next opened his eyes it was because sunlight was warming his face. He stretched and stood up, his whole body hurt from sleeping on the floor but his headache had dissipated. He smelled pancakes but he felt tired, exhausted. And so instead of joining his family for breakfast he crawled into bed and buried himself under the covers, falling back asleep.


	2. Afternoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> College party

Over the years he slowly forgot about this event. He never saw his brother act strange around other boys (any more than he acted strange around girls) and as they got older whatever tornado-like rage he’d had morphed into slight annoyance but general tolerance. They became closer, close enough that one day Kevin poked his head into his room and stated flatly that he’d gotten a girlfriend.

“Oh.” Martin said, slightly disappointed. He’d been hoping that he’d get one before his brother. “Why do I care?” He asked forlornly. He’d been feeling forlorn, despondent and generally melancholy since a few months ago. 

Kevin shrugged and Martin turned back to his sketchbook, deciding to renew his effort to draw a comic for the girl who sat beside him in history where they traded notes back and forth. 

“I’m going to invite her over for dinner, so I thought you’d like to know not to wear those stupid plaid pants.” Martin threw a pencil sharpener at the door and Kevin closed it just before it hit him.

He couldn’t remember much of the dinner. It was painfully boring and stiff much like all their other family dinners. He didn’t think he saw the girl after that, couldn’t even recall what she looked like. 

____________

In college Kevin rarely called home and Martin missed having the company to joke about their parents with.

The summer of Martin’s high school graduation Kevin invited him down to his apartment near campus. He went with a friend of his, both of them talking excitedly about college parties and talking excitedly around college girls.

“Ah, welcome. You brought a friend...well, that’s fine. Come in, I don’t know if I have enough room for two of you but one of you could sleep on the couch I guess.”

They caught up quickly and in the evening Martin asked if there were any ‘fun things’ they could do. Kevin suggested a museum and Martin pushed that he could go to a museum any time.   
“Fine.” Kevin sighed, picking up his phone. “Hello, Jeffrey? Yes. Are you still having a party tonight?”  
____________

The party was everything they’d thought college parties to be. Loud and hectic and absolutely amazing. Every room smelled like sweat and febreeze. 

Kevin told them not to cling to him when they walked up and opened the door. He’d also told them to find a map and walk back to the apartment if they got bored. Martin didn’t see how he’d ever get bored.

After a few careful drinks (It was fine wasn’t it? He was at a party. It’d be suspicious if he DIDN’T drink.)

He left the kitchen to see his friend talking with a girl on the couch. She was laughing and put a hand on his knee. Martin caught his friend’s eye and gave him a thumbs-up before wandering away to hopefully find a girl to touch HIS knee.

He instead found beer pong and wasted time with that for the better part of an hour. 

Which obviously meant he had to use the bathroom, very badly.

Upstairs it was slightly quieter and Martin realized after shutting himself in the bathroom that the music had been pressing in on him. “Rad.” He said to himself, washing his hands and opening the door. He’d never been to a party that was so...quintessential. He honestly thought it was all movies and stuff. God, no one was going to believe that HE got into a college party. 

The world was spinning, which was very cool. 

Instead of making his way down the very trip-down-able stairs he decided to open the doors to the rooms and peek inside. It was mostly bedrooms being used to store coats and random things that would be broken if they were downstairs. 

He was surprised when he opened one of them and saw people inside. He backed up, opening his mouth to apologize but was quickly stopped by a girl who took his wrist and asked happily for him to join them.   
“Oh my god you look so much like someone?” She said. He was sitting next to her on the bed and he raised his eyes skyward. Was this some kind of pranked show?

“I’m uhh Kevin’s brother.” He said dumbly. Downstairs a group of guys cheered. A girl sitting on the floor lit a cigarette. It reminded him of his dad, his stomach hurt. 

“I don’t think I know him.” The girl next to him said.  
“He’s in our Lit class.” The girl on the floor said. “The one with the…” They both looked at each other and collapsed into giggles. Martin blinked, his eyes felt heavy. The room wouldn’t stop spinning.

The door opened and a guy’s voice spoke softly. The girl next to him turned to face whoever was speaking. Martin’s mouth tasted slightly sour and his skin got cold. There was a lump in his throat and dread was slowly spreading through his body.

“Kevin’s brother?”  
“Lit class….”  
“Oh yeah, always with…”

Martin stood up shakily and stumbled out the room, the smoke smell was overpowering and for some reason everything was too much. He ran his hands along the walls. In the hallway he saw Kevin standing with his back towards him. He accepted a drink from some guy and laughed as he did so, extending a hand and running it up and down his arm. 

Martin blinked, half-tripped down the stairs, out the front door and promptly threw up in the dying grass.

The next thing he knew he was being driven home, eyes closed against the motion. His friend talked happily with the driver and Kevin was rubbing little circles on his back. His stomach turned. 

“I’m gonna be sick.”  
“Ugh, Martin no!”  
“Oh my god dude!”  
____________

Waking up in the afternoon his mouth tasted like roadkill and his head hurt like the truck that’d killed it ran him over in the commotion. “Ugh.”

He crawled over his friend who was sprawled out on the bed they’d both been dumped onto. Kevin’s bed, he thought as he made it to the bathroom and brushed his teeth furiously with the lights off. 

He thought about going back to bed but the loud snoring coming from the room made him head to the living room instead, hoping to drink a gallon of water.

Kevin was sitting on the couch and nursing a mug while a guy spoke, his arm around his shoulder. 

“Oh!” The guy said, sitting up and removing his arm. “You’re up, how’re you feeling?” Martin filled a glass with tap water and downed it before answering.

“Uhh like hell.” The man on the couch laughed and Kevin introduced him as Ronnie. 

“He drove us home last night.”  
“Thanks! Um, I’m Martin.”

They spoke quietly until his friend woke up and a few days later they went home. Martin didn’t think anything of it at the time but looking back on the meeting he knew that Ronnie was not just his brother’s friend. 

He knew in the way they touched, fleetingly and jumpily as if they were scared of being caught even looking at each other. In the way they said each other’s names, too-casual and worried. Worried. They were worried the entire time and Martin had initially thought it was about him. About last night’s sickness but it was again that caught feeling. That shame that radiated from the both of them even as they waved goodbye.


	3. Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming out

When Kevin came out Martin wasn’t there. He was home, making dinner and dead tired. He knew because he remembered the phone ringing and checking it, seeing it was his parents and deciding to wait until morning. He didn’t want to deal with anything other than eating and watching bad reality television.

The next morning he listened to the message they left him and felt his stomach turn.  
He was a child again, in that dark room with his heart pounding. In the moment it had been terrifying but with time and age the event weighed heavy on his heart. His brother, terrified out of his mind of being found out.

He knew why now, he had known why then, distantly. But it was here now, the reason. It felt like a release of something, the unsaid had been spoken and the sky was falling.

He stopped and deleted the message when his mother started crying and dialed without having to pause for thought. The phone was picked up on the third ring.

“Hello?” Kevin asked, throat hoarse.  
“How dare you.” Martin said, wrapping the phone’s cord around his finger. “You didn’t even tell me you had a boyfriend!”

There was a short pause and then a tired laugh, a sigh. “Yes. I’m sorry. You should meet him, I think you would get along well.”

“Really?”  
“I think he’d tolerate you.”  
“That’s more like it.”  
____________

His first impression of Raymond Holt was that he had a strong name. A name that demanded respect. He was no different in person, extending his hand and shaking Martin’s easily. He didn’t smile and neither did Kevin, who looked off out the window.

“Hello, I’d like to say Kevin’s told me all about you but he hasn’t.” Kevin scoffed. “So you’ll have to do it yourself I’m afraid.”

Martin went home that night happy. He didn’t quite know why until he sat down, had some coffee and replayed the meeting again in his head.

Raymond didn’t flinch. 

He never shied away from either of them. He held Martin’s gaze as he held Kevin’s hand and they talked pleasantly about The New Yorker or some book they’d all read.

It felt...good. Open. His brother’s eyes weren’t wild, his shoulders didn’t tense when his name was uttered. 

At the end of the day Martin had hugged him, something he hadn’t done since he was a kid and whispered “This one’s a keeper.” And Kevin rolled his eyes and said that he was his boyfriend not a new pair of shoes. 

That, that was what made it good. They could name it.

He smiled.

Martin had known his brother was different since they were young. He walked around with shame clouding his vision, guilt fueling the rage that erupted from him. 

He often thought back to when they were children, sitting on the curb and waiting for their dad to pick them up.  
“I’m never getting married.” Kevin said, kicking at a rock.  
“Why?” Martin asked, shifting from foot to foot.  
“It’s dumb. Besides, I’d never want to be around some girl for the rest of my life.” Martin had half-listened, tapping a stick against the pole that was beside them. “I’ll be fine by myself.”

“Martin?” Raymond prompted, shaking the man out of his thoughts.  
“Hm?”  
“It’s your turn to say what you’re thankful for.” 

Martin looked around at the table. Raymond, Debbie, Marcus, Miss Laverne, and Kevin. Kevin, talking gently to Marcus and snickering at whatever reply he was given. Martin smiled, feeling warmth and love from all around him.

This, he thought.  
This is family.


End file.
